Who said all of those crazy people could come to my house?!?

Oh, yeah.

That was me.

What was I thinking having the family come to my house for Thanksgiving? Obviously I wasn't. Or I would be packing my bags to go to Mexico. Like my asshole darling brother is. BTW Jason, don't forget my magnet! And I hope you have a miserable time and hate every minute of your Mexican trip that you are taking to avoid the family drama lovely trip! {{ miss you!}}

I have a 20 pound dead bird in my refrigerator.

And THAT is considered normal.

Mike Rowe LOVES me

I have to confess something. I am having an affair. Of course, it's all in my mind.

In my wacky world, where the sky is perfectly pink all of the time, Mike Rowe thinks I am fabulous. He can't wait to ask me how my day was. He always notices when I do something to my hair. He looks forward to cooking culinary delights while reading Jane Austen aloud to me in that husky man voice he has. He frets about my angst over Mr. Darcy. Mike always wants everything to be perfect, and he always wants it to be so FOR ME!

Godiva Hazelnut Shells? He never forgets to pick them up. The perfect bouquet of salmon pink roses, peonies, and tulips? He picks the stems out himself to insure my satisfaction. A perfectly inspired love note? He leaves me one every day. Arguments? Never! He knows I am always right.

He is just so....wonderful.

He really is a lovely celebrity boyfriend.

Which means I can NEVER meet him.

The real Mike Rowe is probably a very nice person. I don't really know anything about him. He might be a complete slob like my husband. He might have serious issues with important dates like my husband. He might hog the remote like my husband.

Mike might be just like my husband in real life. So what would be the point?

My Mike is fabulous. If Mike is also your celebrity boyfriend, I am sure your version is lovely as well. There are plenty of Mikes to go around. I do have to thank everyone who stops by looking for Mike. It's nice to meet you. Mike is the number one referrer to my blog.

See how he takes care of me?

I do enjoy my celebrity boyfriends. You can't do that whole perfect life thing with real people. Hot guys you know in real life invariably do something to burst the bubble. It never fails.

The only exception are firefighters.

Aaaaahhh, firefighters!

That's a whole other post.

Yes, I'm wearing black

I know I haven't posted in a while. The Bug died last Sunday. I have been in mourning. There was a big hole left in my soul over this loss.

I hope it is filled by the beta fish that joined our family yesterday. His name is Trent. I don't know why.

I hope you all are doing fabulously!

Just so I know

Hey - all parents out there on the interwebs with tweener kids. How many times did you listen to the High School Musical Soundtrack before your ears started bleeding?

Just curious.

Yay! My 100th Post

I should have thought about this. I pondered doing something spectacular as I was zipping down the highway after dropping off my kids at school. I tried to think of something brilliant.

Some ideas:

Pride & Prejudice
Why can't I stop watching this movie? I love and love and love it.

Target
Why do I love this store so much? What is it about cheap knock-offs of fabulous lamps that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside? Is it the red walls and the smell of Starbucks that greets me as I walk in the door? Oh, absolutely. But I forgive them for putting me in a buying frenzy. And I shop with the masses.

Easter Bunny
He was lazy this year. And, apparently, cheap. I let the kids know that their attitude pissed him off and he may not come back next year.

I'm Tired
Yea, so is every other mom. So that just seems like whining.

What is 100th post worthy? I don't know. I'm just thrilled that I managed to blog twice in the same week!

I will work on something clever soon.

Entitled people piss me off.

Do not park your Escalade in the middle of TWO lanes of traffic, get out, and walk off to chat with one of your tennis-playing friends while the rest of us are stuck behind you. If you are one of those people who thinks this is a good idea, I think there is a special place in Hell for you. A place where there is endless cellulite, all the men are broke and pudgy, and there is NO Diet Coke.

Happy full of love day

I really hope you are enjoying a lovely Valentine's Day! If you aren't, I'm sorry! And that person you think you should be spending this evening with is a complete jerk - and you deserve so much better!

I am having a fine day. My husband is doing his thing down in Dallas, so I am off the hook as far as looking presentable (Love you honey! Mean it!). Last year, I had to tag team doing all three kid's parties at school, which made me insane. This year I only had to worry about one. So it's been a laid-back day.

I have done some reflecting lately. The other day I turned 39 (thanks for all of the nice birthday shout-outs!) so I have thought about how happy I am to still be alive. Yay! And today I watched people driving around with bunches of balloons or flowers in their cars which just reminded me of Valentine's past.

I usually ended up being pissy about Valentine's because it is so close to my birthday. Almost every guy I have ever dated at this time of year combined the two. Even a couple of long-term ones. What a bunch of cheapasses! One of the reasons I married my husband was because he got me a birthday present and took me out for my birthday, and then send me a ginormous basket of flowers for our first Valentine's Day. Huge points!

It's funny how things change. Years ago, it was such a big deal to me to have the guy I was dating go all out, but now my priorities are so different. I get the best valentines ever from my kids.

That beats jewelry EVERY time!

Yoga schmoga

I went to my first yoga class yesterday. It was interesting. I went with my friend Patty. Which made it fun for me. I do much better in a new situation if I have someone I can shoot looks at, like "did you see what that girl just did?!?! Holy shit!" She shot back several "OH MY GOD"s.

It's a good system.

I can see how this yoga thing can be good for me. I think I used every muscle on my body. Many of them haven't been used in years. So, needless to say, they are PISSED. I am sore all over. My ears even hurt.

But I will go back. I have done the worst class - the first. So, it should get easier.

Right?

Please tell me it will get better!

BTW - on a side note I discovered that getting a pedicure right before you go to yoga is a bad idea. There was some mat slippage, which I think was probably good for my legs.

I am sooo glad I got one, though! I had me some pretty grusome feet! You know it's bad when the woman giving you said pedicure is grossed out. She admonished me for waiting so long. I felt like I was about to be grounded.

I am so sorry! I will resume getting regular pedicures. I don't want to be one of the ones the pedicure women roll their eyes at when I walk in.

Starbucks is a cult

I love Starbucks. It is a sad thing to admit that I am one of the masses. I like to think of myself as someone who forges her own trail. But I can't seem to with coffee. I pass a Starbucks and I feel an internal pull. My leg twitches. I must turn in and satisfy my urge at least a couple of times a week.

My husband has been sucked in, too. He gets his fix at his office. Starbucks has a kiosk in the building's cafeteria. He gets to waltz in and get his coffee all day, every day. That's just not right. If Starbucks was kind at all, they would swing a cart by my house every morning.

Now Starbucks is branching out. They have sucked in my kids. It was a brilliant plan. Little by little. Little taste by little taste. My kids have all had a drink and now they thirst for it. They crave it. They beg and plead and whine for it.

Whyeeee?!?!?

I thought I was only succumbing to my own fervent need for tasty, high calorie caffeine. It all started at Target. Target built a super version of itself a few years ago in Edmond, OK. And what was inside? A handy little Starbucks counter. I had not seen a Super-Target since I had lived in Dallas. I was all giddy and having hot flashes. I rushed over with my young children and oohed and ahed my way through my grocery shopping while enjoying the most pathetic drink ever created - the Frappuccino.

I did not realize at the time how Starbucks did it. The insidious way they get one person hooked and then let that person hook in everyone else in the family. The way they make sure that one sip is all it takes.

I didn't think I was creating a monster when I let my daughter take her first Frappuccino sip. But I have. Now she wants one all of the time. If she sees an empty Starbucks cup in the trash she immediately asks why she didn't get one. If I promise her a treat she wants it to be a Starbucks. If I am foolish and leave my Mocha Grande or Frappuccino sitting unattended, she will suck that bad boy down as if it was the last thing she is ever gonna drink.


Our sons aren't much better, but they stick with the hot chocolate and the bottled weak version of the Frappuccino.

Is there some sort of treatment for this? Some sort of intervention? Or are we doomed to watch our daughter become a caffeine junkie like we are?

You are witnessing a family out of control.

China, Strep Throat & Toilets - Oh, My!

Just in case you missed me...I am still here. I have been busy. My week in a nutshell:

Last Wednesday:
My daughter has cheerleading. Almost all of Ms. P's little best friends are in this class. She wanted to invite them to see Nanny McPhee.
Internal Dialog: Oh, it's just a few little girls, what the hell?

Ten minutes after the discussion starts with other moms on this movie idea I realize how many girls might actually be able to go.
Internal Dialog: Fuck! What was I thinking?

We get through cheerleading and go home. The kids start their homework. Ms. P hands me a note from her teacher. It says: We have been studying about Ancient China for our January Core Knowledge Unit. The students are to complete a project about Ancient China and bring it to school on Tuesday, January 31st. Ideas from previous years: Great Wall of China made from sugar cubes, a Mount Everest cake, kites made from various materials, Yin-Yang cakes....
Internal Dialog: Yay, one more thing for me to do. Who was the asshole that made a cake in the shape of a mountain? Cake. I'm hungry. What can I get done? I don't know how to make a kite. The Korean Market! I'll run over there this weekend.

Thursday:
I run up to school to pick up my son and daughter. I see a couple of my daughter's friends moms and work out the movie thing for Sunday. Three girls plus my daughter. I decide I can handle that.

While up there we walk by the silly car that the auction committee is showing off. One of the committee members is happy to tell me how I should buy a key chain for $100. It may hold the key that will start that car and it would be mine all mine.
Internal Dialog: That is a silly car. $100 for a key chain. Huh. I like her skirt. I need to lose some weight so I can wear skirts like that. I'll bet she got that at Lime Leopard. I love that skirt.
She keeps talking about how the money is going for many wonderful things for the school.
Internal Dialog: Ya know, whoever did her lips did a bad job. They are saggy. Huh. You can really tell where she gets botoxed. She's really laying it on, she wouldn't be giving me the time of day if she knew I won't buy a key chain from her. I do love that skirt.

Friday:
I try to complete my to-do list. I don't get close.
Internal Dialog: Damn, I need to get organized.

Saturday:
Still working on that to-do list. Still don't get close. I talked to my brother for three hours about life.
Internal Dialog: My brother is so cute!

Sunday:
I realize that I have totally forgotten about the China project that Ms. P must *air quotes* do *air quotes* by Tuesday. I look through all of my craft stuff and try to figure out how I can do some sort of dragon thing. I decide I must go get more stuff at some point.
Internal Dialog: Fuck.
I then take my daughter and three of her friends to see Nanny McPhee. I get to sit back and witness the dawning of the wackiness that will be giggly teenage girls. And I get to watch the always adorable Colin Firth. I am surprised at how good the movie is. I cry at the end.
Internal Dialog: Colin. Firth.
After the movie, I take the girls to Hideaway Pizza. I am shocked at how fast four 8-year-olds can consume approximately 20 giant cheese sticks and a large cheese pizza. I notice how adorable our server is. He is charming and I enjoy watching him walk away. A. Lot. I then realize that I am probably old enough to be his mother - and not in a backwoods sort of way.
Internal Dialog: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Monday:
My husband is up early getting ready to get out of town. Our six-year-old announces that his throat hurts. He doesn't seem sick and we usually have some bid for attention before Dad leaves. Saw decides he is fine. I take the kids to school.
Internal Dialog: I should get something done. Oh Shit! Ms. P's China project!
I zip over to the Korean Market. It's one of the coolest stores on the planet. At this point, I don't have a clue what to do. Then I see it....a beautiful teapot! And loads of little teacups! Ms. P can serve tea. And then the kids can all take the cups home as a souvenir. Yay! I am brilliant! I have no idea if the writing on the cups is in Korean or Chinese. I figure if Ms. P's teacher knows, then my daughter should have been writing her name in Chinese by now. I have a brief moment of guilt because I don't know if it's Chinese. If it's Korean, are we cheating? Damn! Metro Dad needs to have a hotline! But it would probably be clogged up with punctuation questions. Then I spy a darling little outfit for Ms. P. I have completed her project. I run to pick up my six-year-old from Kindergarten. He tells me that his throat still hurts. That's not good. He still doesn't seem like he's getting sick.
Internal Dialog: Well, maybe it's allergies. I am so not in the mood to go to the Doctor's office on a Monday.
Later, I run to pick up my older kids. My six-year-old falls asleep on the way. That's not good. Now he seems like he's getting sick.
Internal Dialog: He doesn't seem to have a fever. I am so not in the mood to run to the Doctor's just to be told it's a virus and there's nothing they can do.
Ten minutes after we get home, my six-year-old comes in to my room whining about how his throat really hurts.
Internal Dialog: Damn. If I don't take him to the Doctor's he will end up being deathly ill. If I take him now will it be too soon to get a good strep test? Would it be better to take him in the morning? Could it be strep? He doesn't seem to have any other symptoms. What if it's a cold?
My six-year-old starts to cry.
Internal Dialog: Damn.
I call the Doctor's office and get an appointment. I load up the kids and buzz through 5 o'clock traffic and zoom into the Doctor's office just to discover that EVERYONE is there to get strep tests.
Internal Dialog: Where can we sit? Bingo! That chick just got called in. I got the chair! I win! You don't need this chair, you big doof of a man! I am holding a 62 pound child. I need to sit. Aw, should I give up the chair for the chick with the baby? Naw, she's got a carrier. My kid's bigger than your kid. Neener, neener, neener! Saw's passed out. Damn, he's gotten heavy. Ugh. I'm bored. The kid's are bored. We have played all of the games on my cell phone. I have never had to wait 45 minutes to get back to a room before. Amazing. I bet it's strep. I AM SOOOO glad I decided to bring him.
We finally get called back to a room. Saw gets a strep test. It comes back positive. He is still in good spirits for the most part. I am hopeful that we have caught it early and he won't get too sick. After spending two hours at the Doctor's office, we are glad to get out of there. We drop off Saw's prescription and get dinner. Saw is still acting ok and eats heartily. We go pick up his prescription. I give him a dose and put him to bed. All is quiet in the house...until Saw lets out this horrible mewing sound. I go check on him. He is raging with fever even on Motrin. The strep has officially entered the building and he is one sick puppy.
Internal Dialog: Oh. Thank. You. God. For. The. Go. To. The. Doctor's. Office. Momma. Feeling! Oh, I would have felt sooooo bad if I hadn't taken him!

Tuesday:
Arumph. No one has gotten any sleep. Everyone is tired. I feel like the beginning of this day is like those scenes in movies where the Epic Battle has just occurred. Our morning was the scene right after that where the survivors crawl out into the daylight and murmur, "what happened?" Saw cried off and on all night. I am trying to get my older kids ready for school. I spend waaay too much time trying to figure out how many green tea bags will it take to make a gallon to tea for Ms. P. to serve. She puts on her little outfit. She is just too cute! I decide I must take a picture. Saw is crying because his throat hurts. He is refusing to swallow so he keeps running to the bathroom to spit. He wants to call his dad. I hand him my cell phone so that he can just keep talking when we get in the car. He starts to talk to his dad and walks away. I am determined to take a picture of Ms. P:

Isn't she ADORABLE!?! So, then Saw walks up to me, still crying and hands me my dripping wet cell phone. He had dropped it in the toilet.

Internal Dialog: FUCK! SHIT! ARRRGH! What do I do??!!?!!? FUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!!!!

I proceed to take my phone apart and hope it dries out. I get the kids out the door and to school. Saw and I return home. He announces that the house must be quiet for him. He passes out:

I call my husband. We discuss all of my phone options. We debate the whole Slider vs. Razr thing. He orders me a Razr. My husband tells me it's for my birthday. Then he ponders getting a new phone for himself. I decide that if he gets a new phone then my phone doesn't count as a present. We will see how this turns out soon.

My guilty pleasure is back!

I am very happy. My favorite t.v. lineup is back on. You may think I am sad, but I have watch. I can't do anything else!

My favorite show is Battlestar Galactica. The second season resumes tonight. Yea! I have so waiting to see Commander Adama kick some serious ASS. Bwah ha ha.

To add to my happiness, SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis will resume tonight as well. Yea! Yea! Yea!

And the cherry on top is that SciFi has had a Firefly marathon ALL DAY LONG. This has kept me from doing anything meaningful, other than keep my children alive. If you like Firefly or you have seen Serenity then you will so enjoy THIS.

Now I must go watch SG-1.

quote of the day

I had the following conversation with my six-year-old:

Mom, can I have an orange?

Sure, I'll get it in a minute.

Can I peel it?

Yes, I'll get it started for you.

Why can't I start it?

Because you aren't allowed to use knives.

Can I use a butter knife?

Maybe, for some things, under my supervision.

Can you see through stuff with your supervision?

har! har! snort! I love being a mom!