31 January 2006

China, Strep Throat & Toilets - Oh, My!

Just in case you missed me...I am still here. I have been busy. My week in a nutshell:

Last Wednesday:
My daughter has cheerleading. Almost all of Ms. P's little best friends are in this class. She wanted to invite them to see Nanny McPhee.
Internal Dialog: Oh, it's just a few little girls, what the hell?

Ten minutes after the discussion starts with other moms on this movie idea I realize how many girls might actually be able to go.
Internal Dialog: Fuck! What was I thinking?

We get through cheerleading and go home. The kids start their homework. Ms. P hands me a note from her teacher. It says: We have been studying about Ancient China for our January Core Knowledge Unit. The students are to complete a project about Ancient China and bring it to school on Tuesday, January 31st. Ideas from previous years: Great Wall of China made from sugar cubes, a Mount Everest cake, kites made from various materials, Yin-Yang cakes....
Internal Dialog: Yay, one more thing for me to do. Who was the asshole that made a cake in the shape of a mountain? Cake. I'm hungry. What can I get done? I don't know how to make a kite. The Korean Market! I'll run over there this weekend.

Thursday:
I run up to school to pick up my son and daughter. I see a couple of my daughter's friends moms and work out the movie thing for Sunday. Three girls plus my daughter. I decide I can handle that.

While up there we walk by the silly car that the auction committee is showing off. One of the committee members is happy to tell me how I should buy a key chain for $100. It may hold the key that will start that car and it would be mine all mine.
Internal Dialog: That is a silly car. $100 for a key chain. Huh. I like her skirt. I need to lose some weight so I can wear skirts like that. I'll bet she got that at Lime Leopard. I love that skirt.
She keeps talking about how the money is going for many wonderful things for the school.
Internal Dialog: Ya know, whoever did her lips did a bad job. They are saggy. Huh. You can really tell where she gets botoxed. She's really laying it on, she wouldn't be giving me the time of day if she knew I won't buy a key chain from her. I do love that skirt.

Friday:
I try to complete my to-do list. I don't get close.
Internal Dialog: Damn, I need to get organized.

Saturday:
Still working on that to-do list. Still don't get close. I talked to my brother for three hours about life.
Internal Dialog: My brother is so cute!

Sunday:
I realize that I have totally forgotten about the China project that Ms. P must *air quotes* do *air quotes* by Tuesday. I look through all of my craft stuff and try to figure out how I can do some sort of dragon thing. I decide I must go get more stuff at some point.
Internal Dialog: Fuck.
I then take my daughter and three of her friends to see Nanny McPhee. I get to sit back and witness the dawning of the wackiness that will be giggly teenage girls. And I get to watch the always adorable Colin Firth. I am surprised at how good the movie is. I cry at the end.
Internal Dialog: Colin. Firth.
After the movie, I take the girls to Hideaway Pizza. I am shocked at how fast four 8-year-olds can consume approximately 20 giant cheese sticks and a large cheese pizza. I notice how adorable our server is. He is charming and I enjoy watching him walk away. A. Lot. I then realize that I am probably old enough to be his mother - and not in a backwoods sort of way.
Internal Dialog: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Monday:
My husband is up early getting ready to get out of town. Our six-year-old announces that his throat hurts. He doesn't seem sick and we usually have some bid for attention before Dad leaves. Saw decides he is fine. I take the kids to school.
Internal Dialog: I should get something done. Oh Shit! Ms. P's China project!
I zip over to the Korean Market. It's one of the coolest stores on the planet. At this point, I don't have a clue what to do. Then I see it....a beautiful teapot! And loads of little teacups! Ms. P can serve tea. And then the kids can all take the cups home as a souvenir. Yay! I am brilliant! I have no idea if the writing on the cups is in Korean or Chinese. I figure if Ms. P's teacher knows, then my daughter should have been writing her name in Chinese by now. I have a brief moment of guilt because I don't know if it's Chinese. If it's Korean, are we cheating? Damn! Metro Dad needs to have a hotline! But it would probably be clogged up with punctuation questions. Then I spy a darling little outfit for Ms. P. I have completed her project. I run to pick up my six-year-old from Kindergarten. He tells me that his throat still hurts. That's not good. He still doesn't seem like he's getting sick.
Internal Dialog: Well, maybe it's allergies. I am so not in the mood to go to the Doctor's office on a Monday.
Later, I run to pick up my older kids. My six-year-old falls asleep on the way. That's not good. Now he seems like he's getting sick.
Internal Dialog: He doesn't seem to have a fever. I am so not in the mood to run to the Doctor's just to be told it's a virus and there's nothing they can do.
Ten minutes after we get home, my six-year-old comes in to my room whining about how his throat really hurts.
Internal Dialog: Damn. If I don't take him to the Doctor's he will end up being deathly ill. If I take him now will it be too soon to get a good strep test? Would it be better to take him in the morning? Could it be strep? He doesn't seem to have any other symptoms. What if it's a cold?
My six-year-old starts to cry.
Internal Dialog: Damn.
I call the Doctor's office and get an appointment. I load up the kids and buzz through 5 o'clock traffic and zoom into the Doctor's office just to discover that EVERYONE is there to get strep tests.
Internal Dialog: Where can we sit? Bingo! That chick just got called in. I got the chair! I win! You don't need this chair, you big doof of a man! I am holding a 62 pound child. I need to sit. Aw, should I give up the chair for the chick with the baby? Naw, she's got a carrier. My kid's bigger than your kid. Neener, neener, neener! Saw's passed out. Damn, he's gotten heavy. Ugh. I'm bored. The kid's are bored. We have played all of the games on my cell phone. I have never had to wait 45 minutes to get back to a room before. Amazing. I bet it's strep. I AM SOOOO glad I decided to bring him.
We finally get called back to a room. Saw gets a strep test. It comes back positive. He is still in good spirits for the most part. I am hopeful that we have caught it early and he won't get too sick. After spending two hours at the Doctor's office, we are glad to get out of there. We drop off Saw's prescription and get dinner. Saw is still acting ok and eats heartily. We go pick up his prescription. I give him a dose and put him to bed. All is quiet in the house...until Saw lets out this horrible mewing sound. I go check on him. He is raging with fever even on Motrin. The strep has officially entered the building and he is one sick puppy.
Internal Dialog: Oh. Thank. You. God. For. The. Go. To. The. Doctor's. Office. Momma. Feeling! Oh, I would have felt sooooo bad if I hadn't taken him!

Tuesday:
Arumph. No one has gotten any sleep. Everyone is tired. I feel like the beginning of this day is like those scenes in movies where the Epic Battle has just occurred. Our morning was the scene right after that where the survivors crawl out into the daylight and murmur, "what happened?" Saw cried off and on all night. I am trying to get my older kids ready for school. I spend waaay too much time trying to figure out how many green tea bags will it take to make a gallon to tea for Ms. P. to serve. She puts on her little outfit. She is just too cute! I decide I must take a picture. Saw is crying because his throat hurts. He is refusing to swallow so he keeps running to the bathroom to spit. He wants to call his dad. I hand him my cell phone so that he can just keep talking when we get in the car. He starts to talk to his dad and walks away. I am determined to take a picture of Ms. P:



Isn't she ADORABLE!?! So, then Saw walks up to me, still crying and hands me my dripping wet cell phone. He had dropped it in the toilet.

Internal Dialog: FUCK! SHIT! ARRRGH! What do I do??!!?!!? FUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!!!!

I proceed to take my phone apart and hope it dries out. I get the kids out the door and to school. Saw and I return home. He announces that the house must be quiet for him. He passes out:

I call my husband. We discuss all of my phone options. We debate the whole Slider vs. Razr thing. He orders me a Razr. My husband tells me it's for my birthday. Then he ponders getting a new phone for himself. I decide that if he gets a new phone then my phone doesn't count as a present. We will see how this turns out soon.

14 comments:

Arnie said...

I agree, if the cell phone is a replacement (and you husband upgrades also), then that cancels out the birthday present.

mabel said...

Absoulutely! Not a present, a replacement. Get me one too while you're at it.

Hilarious post! I laughed my ass off, and I was there by phone for most of it!

Tweets said...

Yeah you're back!

I swear I don't know how you mom's do it. I was worn out by the end of your post.

Hope your wee one gets better. And love your idea for the tea pot - coolest mom ever.!

Gina said...

Great pictures, Gina. They are both adorable.

Sorry that you have been having such a rough time lately, I hope things get better for you soon!

Your internal dialogue cracks me up!

MetroDad said...

Oh man, I got tired just READING this post. How do you do it?

By the way, the hotline is starting up next week. But meanwhile? It's perfectly ok to buy Chinese cakes with writing on them at a Korean market. They usually use old-school Chinese characters on pastries. Of course, they've been known to translate things improperly (like when NBA players get Chinese tattoos that they think say "Peace" but really say "General Chung's Chicken!"

Piece of Work said...

I'm with Gina--your internal dialogue is hilarious.
Hope Saw is feeling better soon!

"D" said...

ya think if I give my cell to the dog I can claim it was an accident and get me a new teeny razr???

Heidi said...

OK, I'm tired for you too! And tell hunny that diamons and chocolates are rpesents-cell phones are tools.

crazyvirgo said...

i just doubled up on my birth control pils. However, your kids are AWFUL cute. so maybeeeee i'll have one someday.

you had me at Nanny McPhee. Am I the only person that's tempted to see this movie JUST because Colin Firth is in it?

greensunflower said...

My head is spinning!

Nicole said...

Oh you poor thing!

I was about to say why couldn't your daughter do her own project and then I saw how old she is. . .

What the hell are teachers thinking giving projects to children that are things that only the parents can do?

Am I being a clueless have no children idiot?

RBrown said...

First of all, Holy shit, woman, I don’t know how you juggle all of it! You’re unbelievable!

Second, Mrs P and Saw: SUCH loves. They are adorable. Is Saw feeling better?

Third, your internal dialog? That shit is KILLING me! You are so fricking funny. I especially appreciate this part, being from the hills of Kaintuck and all: “I could be his mother. And not even in a backwoods kind of way.”

Fourth, get yourself a real present, sistah. That shit’s a replacement, an upgrade yes, but still a replacement. Methinks mama need a spa trip or something. When’s your b-day?

Jodes said...

cute blog - I love shopping too. right now I am visiting all the nominees member of the week....good luck.

bitemycookie said...

oh.yes. THIS is the reason blogging doesn't suck. i peek in on you after a hiatus and wind up peeing myself. genius. i'm also /takes number out of dispenser/ hot for the innergina. i'm going to go find mine. you are everything mabel says you are. you're like a burst of electricity.

and a cell phone is not a birthday gift. and also unacceptable for valentine's unless the phone sex is so hot to justify a more expensive one.

you had my gut jiggling all over the place on this one. hi.