07 April 2010

A Quandry

I am pondering something today. When is something someone says a compliment? I have wondered lately.

I will be honest, I was chubbing up pretty good last year. I decided I had had enough and started working out again. I HATE working out. I would rather stick a fork in my eye. I really would. So, I thought I would try some different stuff until I found something I could stand to do on a regular basis.

One of the new things I tried was Zumba. Now, I know most of you will snicker at that, but it really is fun. Not only fun, but it burns a TON of calories. I have now lost over 30 pounds. Awesome, right? Not only that, I've made some really, really sweet friends. We have a little zumba posse. We have a great time.

Ok, so here's where the tricky part kicks in...how to take what some chicks say. A great example is

"Wow, you're starting to look good."

I know that it's great that I'm starting to look good. I know I didn't look that good before. But, really, do you HAVE to say it like that? All surprised? Like it's a shocker that I pulled it off? This is a statement I have heard more than once from chicks who don't normally give me the time of day and are skinny bitches to begin with.

How do I get across, you know, with words and not fists, that, while I appreciate the compliment, you sound to me like a snarky beeotch when you say it like that? And a smack upside that boney little head of yours is the proper response?

Maybe I'm just being sensitive.

03 April 2010

Dancing Queen

Dear Really Pretty Asian Girl in my Zumba class,

I am in awe of you in so many ways, I just had to share...

First, how have you managed to get through life so far with such severe personal space issues? I'm so very sorry that you can't seem to grasp how uncomfortable you can make people. It must hinder you in ways you don't even know. I have tried really hard not to accidentally smack you upside the head during class. I believe I lose more calories that way, so you've been ok, but my period is coming soon and I can't guarantee your safety during my pms, so good luck.

Second, I wish you knew how much I appreciate your little tiny body. It's sweet in a way and, yet, you manage that whole nasty thing when you roll down your sweat pants to the very top of your butt crack. I could go on and on with the various porn scenarios that people could work out with you showing off so much skin and bumping into the rest of us, but we'll just leave that to people's dirty imaginations. I do have to say that your complete lack of any type of body hair is astounding. Did you get lasered or is that one of the perks of being a hot Asian girl?

Third, your dancing, honey, honey, honey, your dancing. Maybe you should practice at home or something. Maybe switch to modern dance or just plain jump-roping. I dunno. I guess when you're that gorgeous, you don't really have to move much. Or think. Or have manners.

Every weekend, when I'm looking in the mirror just as class is beginning and see you coming in late, my heart skips a little. I think to myself, "Is she going to worm her way up here with us chicks who got here on time? Or, will she...please just stay in the back with the other late people?" A little part of me dies when I see you ducking your way up to stand, nay, meld up with us.

Maybe I should thank you. You have taught me the lesson of how to do a jumping, dancing, aerobic class in a one foot square area. That is a valuable skill no one can take from me. If I utilize that somewhere else, I'll be thinking of you!

The chick you keep bumping into with the big butt and unfortunate hips.